ebuddies:

call my dick gatsby bc its great 

(via sunshiiiiineeee)

Anonymous asked: How long have you two been broken up?

Two years.

Episode 763 of “Eric Trying To Get Over His Ex.”

The Freedom Burrito

Straight out of the birthplace of the American Revolution, the Bay State, Massachusetts.  The recipe calls for the largest burrito shell you can find.  This is because freedom is all encompassing, and should be a big as your heart when you see the bald eagle soar past our waving flag. 

Secondly, you’ll need an 8 ounce filet mignon.  Don’t let that French-ass name fool you, patriot, it is the greatest cut of beef available, and it’s going on your wrap of freedom.  You’ll need to grill that to your desired level. 

Thirdly, I ask that you recite the pledge of allegiance as you cut up peppers and onions to fry in a buttery pan.  If you don’t remember the pledge of allegiance, get the fuck out of my kitchen, you commie bastard.  

Fourhly, and most importantly as it is the day our founding fathers decided to start kicking some King Georgian Ass, you need to brush some A1 on that steak.  Juices of the whole make this country as free as it is, respect that shit.  

Fifthly, add bacon.

Sixthly. keep those peppers frying

Seventhly, get yourself a nice ice cold beer, you’re nearly there patriot.  

Eighthly, Bring that steak inside.  Get it chopped into strips similar to the stripes on our majestic banner.  Place those strips of freedom in the pan, let them simmer in the juices of the bacon and peppers.

Ninthly, add some salt, maybe.

Tenthly, as all of the ingredients are basting in each other’s greatness, grab that 14 inch in diameter burrito shell.  You thought I was kidding about that size?  NOT IN MY COUNTRY.  WE GO BIG.  WE GO MANIFEST DESTINY ON OUR BURRITO SIZES, BITCHES.  

Tenthly, get some AMERICAN cheese (none of that Swiss stuff, you Frenchy dickwit) and slap that on the burrito shell.  Get some of your Filling of Freedom and place it in the wrap.  

Eleventhly, wrap that sumbitch up like it’s Old Faithful at a Navy SEAL’s twenty-one gun salute

Twelfthly, Fry that beloved wrap in the pan you just used.  Make sure it reaches a crisp golden brown.  Remove it and slather as many condiments and toppings you can think of. Because, brothers and sisters, you are FREE. 

Thirteenthly, Salute your creation, your wonderous bouquet of all that is free and just and good in this world, let your mind sing an angel’s chorus as a Bald Eagle dives down a valley and skims the tops of waves along a roaring river. Watch as it ascends after grasping in its talons a fallen American Flag from one of our heroic forefathers who fought the tyrannical reign of taxation and unfair representation of the British government.   As it rises into the clouds once more, eat your beloved burrito.  Revel in the glory that is our great nation.

allisonthenerdmachine:

On a scale of 1 to the War of the Worlds broadcast how misunderstood is your joke.

(via annabananerz)

lonelywhiteasian:

lay nudes at my gravestone, not flowers. flowers will wither away, but a bomb ass booty is forever

(via annabananerz)

Listening to music I don’t like stresses me out.

Listening to 50’s do wop and jazz makes me uncomfortable.

Combine the two and I just don’t want to work anymore.

lumos5000:

theshirelock:

if artistic people are forced to take years of math and science then why don’t sciencey people have to take art and music classes

someone found a real life plot hole

They do.  They just don’t bitch about it because it’s easier than their advanced computational calculus class. 

(via wurttele)